17 and 20. Those are the numbers. So is 12! The first two don’t need explaining—those are the days til we fly to Spain, and then board the ship.
But 12, now that’s a very exciting number. 12 is the number of pounds I’ve lost since I began the 17 (another number!) Day Diet.
I began the 17-Day Diet 24 days ago. I couldn’t imagine going on the trip of a lifetime as a fat-fatty--which I had become. I tried to suck in my stomach, tried walking taller with my shoulders back, chin up, but there was no getting around it. I was a fat-fatty.
And hello, I’m going to be on a cruise ship with fabulous food, visiting an area of the world known for their fabulous food! If I’m a fat-fatty upon arrival, what the heck will I be at disembarkation? (Is that even a word??)
When my parents went on their first cruise they ate every time food was put out. Heck, they went to bed to rest up before they got up for the midnight buffet and continued to party. It was like “Day, Part II.” That cruise made absolutely no money off of Ralph Rogers, let me tell you! When he came home and weighed himself, he had gained 17 pounds!
So back to me, there is no way that I can gain 17 pounds on top of what I already weigh.
I thought about Jenny Craig and she’s so dang pricey, and I’m a kinda cheap. I thought about Weight Watchers, but I’ve done it a hundred times, and it’s too slow. Then I noticed Maria, a teacher at school who has struggled with her weight after children (me too…22 years later…what!!). Anyway Maria was looking fabulous, and she told me what to do, and by gawd, I was ready to do it!
The diet isn’t bad. I never feel hungry—not that I ever felt hungry, because I never let myself get hungry! But I did get a tad bored with chicken—lots of chicken. But I tried new things like tilapia-yummo, an interesting version of eggplant parmesan- Andy’s new fave. Also I’ve been drinking a delicious beverage called Talking Rain which is a 0 calorie sparkling flavored water—and I pretend there’s vodka in it, and I don’t feel deprived.
And lo and behold, I’ve lost 12 pounds. And that’s not even the exciting part!
I have been making small purchases here and there as I saw cute shorts and pretty tops to take with me on the trip for a couple of months now. But the itinerary explicitly says on the 11-day cruise there will be 2 formal dinners—and I’m required to wear a cocktail dress. COCKTAIL DRESS? Oh dear.
So yesterday I was feeling brave. I thought things (by things I mean clothes) had been feeling better on me, perhaps even looser. So while Amanda was visiting and able to hitch me into things, I thought I’d try on some clothes to see what all I needed to buy!
The first dress I tried on was my favorite Tony Awards dress—haven’t been able to zip that in 3 years. When I say LIKE A GLOVE I don’t mean like OJ Simpson’s glove, I mean no struggle! Zip!
I then tried the 2 cute dresses I bought 2 months ago that were a tad too tight—they flew over my head! There was no stretching, pulling, or sucking in of the gut! This seemed impossible to me.
What I did then was unthinkable. I reached waaay back into the inner sanctum of my closet, and found a dress that I loved, yet hadn’t worn for 5 (yes, 5!) years. My LBD that was a tad swishy with a smidge of sparkle. I thought is it possible this thing can fit over my enormous boobs and fat ass? This is how I talk to myself.
I lifted the dress over my head and it slowly slithered, no perhaps more of a spill, dare I say sensuously glided …no, that’s gross. I’m just saying the freaking thing fit! And looks good! And it’s going on the trip!
After an hour of trying stuff on I found 10 new (old) outfits, 7 of which are dresses that I will be taking on the trip with me. I figure I saved myself a boatload (pun intended!) of money. At least $350!
So those are the numbers: 18, 20, 12, 17, 24, 22, 10, 350.
Now all I need are bras and bathing suits. Oh dear gawd.